Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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