Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
