the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
