This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
4 words: hood of his car
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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