Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
