Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
