the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
false alarm, still single
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