I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
