Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
