I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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