I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
