I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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