now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
