when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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