Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
