i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We have so much sex to catch up on
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
