I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
