she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
