Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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