my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
