I hate all girls vehemently.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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