No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
