I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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