I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
