if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
