There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
