hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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