ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
