I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
