i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
