Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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