You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
