I can feel you judging me through the phone.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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