worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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