cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
