I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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