By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
