I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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