i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have tasted many bathrooms
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
