Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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