I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
