So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize