dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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