Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
