I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize
