I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
