matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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