He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
