the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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