I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
