I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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