Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
