I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize