i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
