I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh god it's open bar.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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