Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
