will power is for people who don't want to get laid
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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